I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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