somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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