I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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