i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
