My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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