the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
