I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
