I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
She's the barista slut.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
