my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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