Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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