i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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