weddingsv make me drug and hornr
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
