Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
