Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
