My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
