Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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