If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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