she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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