Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize