My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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