if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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