I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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