If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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