I was born with a shot glass in my hand
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
