she woke up with a sticky ear
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
