Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
