Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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