i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
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