if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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