Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
