Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
