my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
