He disabled his match.com account in front of me
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
