i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
i am craving dick and cupcakes
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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