He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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