I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My balls are so social today.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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