I can tuck mytits in my pants
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
