I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
