Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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