if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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