Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
We don't watch enough power rangers
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize