So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
