Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
