The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
