Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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