I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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