Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
