From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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