you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
