Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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