I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
