My hand turned me down
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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