My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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