Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize