did you get engaged???
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
