I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
