If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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